Alcohol

Tell ALL Story On How Much KASH loves his LIFE!!!

I figure its about time I write a blog again since KASH has been sweating me hard these past couple of weeks.  As some of you may remember my last blog was about how much I hate the Badgers and BO LION.  Well they ended up proving me wrong and making it to the FINAL FOURSOME where they got just got there hearts crushed.  Pretty sure KASH spiked my lemonades because I was actually starting to cheer for the badgers.  Well AnyWays the BADGERS still suck.

Now let’s get to the juicy part.  I don’t think I have ever met a person that loves their life more than KASH.  When I first met KASH he had me laughing practically every second he spoke.  The kid just seeks the attention by using his famous words like greasy, withered, flustered, legend, and so on even ask the rest of the bros.  I also don’t think I have ever gotten more belligerent with anyone else.

Just this last thur KASH walks into Cock N Bull with more swagg than anyone else I have ever seen.  He had hunnies all over him, I thought JOHNNY Fucking Manziel just walked through the door.  He sent me a text before he got there just saying that he was going to have a few dewskies. 10151186_10152059866595642_1173531156673837610_n And of course people are already handing this legend free WCokes.  Next thing I know an hour goes by, 4 WCokes later and a shot of Jamie and this kid is blitzed out of his minda and is the life of the party.

That was just one of the man
y instances KASH took the Bull by the Horns and tore them right off.  KASH also lives for the FUTSAL life, TENNIS life, and SOFTBALL life.  He likes to think hes Ronaldo on the fustal pitch, Federer on the tennis court, and Braun on the softball diamond.  But hey I guess everyone has dreams. hahaha  A couple weeks ago I decide to take KASH on at the tennis court after I havent played for about two years.  I raveged him in the first set and I’ve never seen a kid so flustered in my life.  You would have thought he just visited the devil and came back to earth.  Thats how much fire was in his eyes.  He ended up coming back and blowing me out of the court as if I would have played better not even tryin at all.

However KASH is the BEST FRIEND I could ever have.  Even though he pisses me off sometimes especially when he screens my phone calls.  If you ever want to get a hold of this kid never call him just send him a snap chat.  hahah  Love you Brother!!

This is KASH and I’s SONG That always gets us pumped up for the bull!!!

Be sure to Catch Us Getting WHITE BOY WASTED at the BULL this THUR

 

-Swaggy C

Booze Reviews: Wild Irish Rose

Well miscreants it’s that time of the week again. Time for old Slam here to step out from his cardboard box, reach into his magic grocery cart, and pull out a brown bag which conceals a fermented fluid so foul that the stench is enough to get you buzzed. It’s time for another Booze Review. This week we’re taking a look at a classic: Wild Irish Rose.

What is it?

Wild Irish Rose, or as bumwine.com refers to it, “Rosie with the Skirt,” is a classic beverage and a mainstay of many a vagabond. Wild Irish Rose is something out of legend. Upon opening the cap, the user is assaulted (yes, this is the correct word to use here) by the smell of what I can only describe as a moldy sponge dipped in grape juice, frozen, thawed, placed in a 5 gallon bucket filled with rubbing alcohol, aged a year, and then dumped into this fine glass bottle. Where Mad Dog is comically disgusting, this stuff will make you gag after every sip.

The Math

The cost of Wild Irish Rose is about $2.50 – $3.00. If you are paying more than $3.00 for Wild Irish Rose you are being ripped off. At a whopping 17% ABV for $3.00, we are talking a cost of about 5.6% ABV per dollar. If I did my math right. Which I probably didn’t. Because I drink this shit kids. Always double check your math. And make sure to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

The Taste

Pouring this pungent potable down your pipe might cause panic at first. Don’t worry, that’s just the taste of rubbing alcohol mixed with the tiniest hint of “grape” flavor. The same way Taco Bell uses”100% beef product,” I’m sure the wizards over at the ol’ Wild Irish Rose Vineyard painstakingly craft this sauce to perfection using “100% grape product.”

Packaging

Irish Rose

Available in two sizes: Lose your job fast or lose your job faster.

Please do not drink this.

Enjoy responsibly.

-Slam

Asher Roth “I Love College” Breakdown

Hey guys I was inspired for the idea of this blog by a music class i’m taking, where we were asked to think of a song that was a hit with a group of people. So me being the creative person, chose Asher Roth “I Love College”, this song was a banger when I was a Freshman and I swear this is what I thought College was like. I’m going to break down the video/song and let you know if this song is true about being in college.

1.) We do not party in fucking penthouses- Right off the bat Asher has to go and piss  me off because he looks like he’s partying in a 10 million dollar penthouse. Where I come from I was partying in a shitty ass house, where 8 dudes lived, with pizza boxes stacked to the ceiling and beer cases being used as wallpaper. Shit isn’t classy at house parties in college the houses are greasy, the bathroom toilets rarely are clean and the basement is like a fucking dungeon till you throw some christmas lights and light up beer signs up for decoration.

2.) Red Solo Cups- It’s a rule in college that Red Solo Cups are the only thing you can drink alchohol out of in college, don’t try and break that trend, my kids will be drinking out of them so let’s stop the discussion. I’ll never forget first college party I go to everyone is drinking out of a Red Solo, such a Freshy move. Shit’s gotten even more famous here, on Shark Tank.

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Dude invented Red Solo cup with a molded in shot glass in the bottom. I’m so damn flustered at this I started to cry watching it on tv.

3.) I’ve only been to one party with chicks and dudes in their undies- this involved about 6 people and there was tons of Tequila involved. Don’t get your hopes up kids

4.) Beer Pong- I’m going to throw myself under the bus, in college I was “beer pong guy”. Always playing and trying to run the table at every party, just a fascinating game. I even was pathetic enough to use beer pong as a way to get chicks, so many ways, flirting accross the table, me and my buddy play a couple of chicks, and make some tired bet stating that if we win, you have to make out with us. Shit was so amateur hour. P.S.- Bouncing is for liberals and fags

5.) Don’t Pass out with your shoes on- Oh god I could tell you an hours worth of stories on the shit I see when people pass out early at a house party. One of them is one of my buddies got all liquored up and passed out at like 11am and work up with both his eyebrows shaved off. Now this is taking it too far but my God kids let a lesson be learned. Worst i’ve ever had done to me is getting dicks drawn on my face, pictures of dudes asses on my face appearing on Facebook the next day. Bob Costas definetley passed out with his shoes on.

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6.) Supermodel chicks everywhere- There are a lot of good looking girls in college and at house parties, but I can pretty much promise you they won’t be in their panties making out with you or having a fucking pillow fight. Asher turned up a little bit too much in the video.

7.) Wish we taped a party- Yes and No. Yes, because some pretty epic shit does go down when you have 100 college kids packed in a basement like a can of sardines and their binging off Natti Light and Gordons Vodka. About 10% of the parties were so awesome I wished we taped it. On the other hand, I’ve done some pretty stupid shit at parties that I’m class I didn’t have to re-live the next day. Just a bunch of dandies.

8.) The 3 minute mark in this video– is where I get all jacked up and pumped. This song was out when I was a Freshman and everyone in the fucking withered basement would go retarded and just do some epic shit when this part of the song was on. Whenever I hear the words “Freshman, Freshman, do something crazy do something crazy” it makes me want to run through a wall or pound a few Miller Lite’s. Shit is inspiring.

9.) Kegstand- Kegstands fucking ravage, it is something you have to do before you are allowed to get your college diploma. One of the best feelings in the world when you put that tapper to your mouth and your buddies are holding your legs up like a fucking wheelbarrell. I still have the picture from my first one on Facebook, gonna have to delete that shit before I get into the corporate world. If you haven’t done a kegstand yet and you’re in college, message me and we’ll make it happen.

10.) Asher Roth is a living legend- This is the single greatest song about college. He can go to any college town and walk into a house party and be treated like a king. Chicks throwing themselves at them, dudes offering up their best beer which is probably some shitty ass “Hamms Light” and he can live it up. Can I just be Asher Roth at a different college campus every weekend for a year.

So pumped right now, changed my ringtone to this song and watched the video 12 times.

Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

K.A.S.H.

5 Reasons I’m Quitting Drinking For a Month

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This morning I woke up with a killer headache, stuffed up nose, sore throat, and 3 fat ass cats on my body from sleeping over at my buddies house, and I said, “I gotta quit the sauce for a while”. I don’t even get hammed as much as I used to a few years ago (basically every night) but the hangovers are 10x worse than they were. I’m done rambling here are the 5 reasons why I’m giving up drinking for a month.

1.) Feeling like shit

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Sorry for how fucking huge this picture is. This is a picture of a kid I know who woke up after a bender and he is the definition of the word “Withered”. Dude can’t even keep his eyes open he’s so wrecked, the only reason he’s got that greasy smirk on his face is because someone told him he’d be crushing Chinese food within the next 20 minutes. But seriously from my standpoint, the hangovers are getting out of hand, either i’m drinking enough to kill a herd of cattle or i’m getting old. 

2.) It makes you ffffaaaattttttttt

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This is a pretty standard pregame session here with me and my boys. Drinking from a beer bong that looks like a freaking cow’s utter. This shits just getting old for me at the moment, I need 30 days to refresh and then get back to dumping beer down my throat. There are 96 calories in a Miller LIte, on a normal drinking night I will crush 12-15 of these. That is roughly 1300 calories. This shit is not healthy. But there’s another factor, when i drink till bar close I turn into a lard ass and want to ea a fuggin horse.

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Toppers Pizza is my go-to food after a long night of drinking and this is dangerous. Crushing a pizza and a triple order of Toppers sticks is just an awful life choice and it will make you put on 10-15 lbs eaaaasssyyy. This isn’t even me mentioning the Chinese/ other fatty ass foods you buy to soak up that booze from the night before. I think i’d drop 10 lbs without even working out if I gave up the sauce for 30 days.

3.) Save Money

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If I counted up all the money I spent drinking out at the bars, I’m fairly confident i’d have enough money to buy a used car. I’m not as bad as I was back in the day, but I used to drop a hundy every weekend, now I keep it to like 20-30 a night. Either way, it would be cool to save a few Bennies over the month I took off. My friend has a $2,000 bar tab so I don’t feel like a degenerate one bit. Wcokes and Miller Lites burn a whole in your pockets kids, but damn are they delicous. 

4. I want to prove to myself I can “stay on the wagon”

For those of you who don’t know “on the wagon” means your abstaining from a certain alcohol. This shit would be a real test for me, all the kids I hang out with are real dandies who love crushing beer and i’d be tempted everyday to drink. If i made it a month I’d deserve a fucking medal and a case of beer. I’d be having nightmares of Miller Lite and that sweet nectar being dumped in my mouth, and wake up in a deep sweet and crush a diet coke instead. I would love to see the people who bet that I can’t make it a month without drinking, shit would be funny. I’m getting flustered at the idea of even going a week without those malted Miller Lite hops, but shit needs to be done.

5.) So I can go back to my days of a “Calvin Klein Underwear Model”

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Many of you guys probably don’t know this but my Freshman year I was a Calvin Klein Underwear model at a stout 180lbs, i’d like to get back to those days and making ladies faint. 

 

This is just an awful idea, this sucks and now i’m flustered.

 

K.A.S.H.

Booze Reviews: MD 20/20 Coco Loco

A hearty hello to all fellow ne’er do wells out there. With the weekend fast approaching, it’s time to think about what form of the devil’s water you’ll be consuming this weekend. Don’t worry, Uncle Slam is here to help. This week we’ll take a look at MD 20/20 Coco Loco.

What is it?

MD 20/20 (referred to as “Mad Dog” by bums and degenerates all over the world) is some of the cheapest, foulest, most-bang-for-your-buck “wine” money can by. In it’s purest form, Mad Dog is a red grape citrus “wine.” Coco Loco, as one could suspect, mixes up the classic formula by adding a coconut flavor. This makes the wine taste not unlike something you would find at a luau held under a bridge.

The Math

The cost of Coco Loco is $3.99 – $4.29. If you are paying more that $4.50 you are getting ripped off. At roughly $4 a bottle and with a 13% abv, you’re looking at a cost of about 3.25% abv/dollar. A pretty good bum bargain if you ask me.

The Taste

This swill tastes like rubbing alcohol mixed with a coconut scented car air freshener. You will not taste coconut until about five seconds after taking a sip.

Packaging

Classic Mad Dog Bottle. Note the instructions on the back.

MD FrontMD Back

Please enjoy responsibly.

-Slam

Fireball Whiskey

Let’s talk about some alcohol that has been making a huge impact on college age kids everywhere. That is some delicious Fireball Whiskey! I am the one in the group who will drink whiskey only on rare occasions (usually the shot is bought for me or I lose bar dice) and unless it’s Jameson, I am probably hating my life. But once I poured some of this nectar from the Gods down my throat, that’s all it took. Fireball Whiskey is a little less alcoholic than regular whiskey(coming in at 33% abv) but that just means you can pour a little bit more of this cinnamon flavored whiskey down your throat before heading to the bars. You can take straight pulls from the bottle it is that good! …

…And the best thing about this stuff is how it isn’t too expensive. You can pick up a 1L of this stuff for only $17, a little more for the handle(1.75L) and a little less for their recently distributed 750mL bottle and I think they even have the mini bottles now too. This stuff should be a staple for any college dorm room or apartment, and its an easy way to drink some great tasting whiskey while also getting a damn good buzz from the stuff. Once you have this for the first time, Florida Georgia Line said it best….It will be whispering temptation in your ear! Go get some of this ASAP and feel the heat!

–MARS