Month: November 2015

I Ate Chipotle For 100 Days and Here’s What It Did To My Butthole

The only words I could find for this guy is COMPLETE SAVAGE.

When I first saw the title of this article it took the wind out of me cause I could only imagine how his bowels handled this brutal beat down. 100 days of overpriced knock off Mexican food that has proves every time you eat it, it tears your insides up. When I was living in Texas Mexican food was a routine food choice, breakfast burritos tacos a la carte for lunch and a nice plate of chile relleno for dinner. Sadly I’m being serious once a week I could eat Mexican all day, but it was legit Mexican cuisine,  family run, had to order in spanish cause a chicken taco with onions and cheese will leave them dumbfounded… pollo taco y cebolla y queso por favor…much better, but see the difference with chipotle and the local pollo regio is the authenticity…i would much rather take a burning ass hole from little rosalita behind the grill over clifford with a visor and apron on behind the counter at chipotle. But mad props to this guy for doing this for our pleasure of talking about it…btw Doba trumps Chipotle…better taste but same affect in the stomach.

Happy thanksgiving to all you turkey eating day drinking bros!

Vaya Con Dios pinche pendejas!

Catch you on the rebound!



13 ways to keep the biddies interested

Alright boys I know I know you might at first glance read this and think “The fuck i need that for I’m hot shit” as I’m sure you are because here at Bottoms Up Bros we ain’t got no scrubs for followers, it is always nice to see some other opinions and make sure your still on point. I read through all of these and agree with about every one, just ask KASH about the hair…shampoo, conditioner, always, and a dash of gel to keep that lettuce looking 100…kid fucking rocks that high and tight fade IMO…

Im no high fashioned designer clothes wearing dude, I stay simple but classy, a nice pair of wranglers (preferably heavily startched with a crease) a pressed button up shirt, of course leave that top button open, a nice pair of shit kickers, or some classy boat shoes, and most of the time a nice ball cap so nothing fancy but for cripes sake guys you have to match. Something that just baffles me while I’m at a bar and see some douche bag with a man bun some floral printed button up shirt untucked with striped or patterned shorts…you gotta pick either solid shirt and flashy shorts/pants or solid bottoms with a patterned shirt…stripes and stripes dont go guys…but his loss to me whenever I flash my belt buckle hanging above a thick startched crease goin down the legs at the biddie hes chirping at.

Personal hygiene is an automatic, not just when going out but in general…im all about laying around for a day in a pair of sweats lettin the boys get a little freedom but even just layin around playin lazy a mans body does some funky shit so take care of yourselves guys cause as much as you maybe want to deny it some day you will settle down with a chick and she can only handle so much from unda before shes audi 5000.

Just a little food for thought.

Catch you on the rebound!


Johnny Football could party with my crew on the weekends I guess


Look this video is so old news to me, i was partying with JFF before he was even in the pros, in Indianapolis at the combine. Drank Hennessey, Hypnotic, Goose everything top shelf, he brought multiple women and it was no biggie. So many smokes the fire alarm went off in the hotel. I played it cool, no snapchats, no autographs nothing. Like Johnny is literally prolly like the 3rd coolest person in my crew that I party with, he’s on the bench, gets the average looking girls and fetches me drinks. I guess i’ll let him party with me on the weekends though.

Damn I look fat as fuck there and my lettuce looks terrible, i’ve prolly lost weight since then


Does This Look Like The Face Of A Dude Who Got His Ass Kicked By A Stripper With A “Muffin Top” For Telling Her To “Hit The Gym And Lose Some Weight”?


A strip club patron called cops yesterday to report that he was assaulted by an adult dancer after suggesting that she should “go to the gym and lose weight,” according to a South Carolina police report. Kyle Yeomans, 23, told cops that he was at Derriere’s Gentlemen’s Club in Myrtle Beach early Sunday when the 1:45 AM attack occurred. Yeomans recalled that the stripper was “annoying him and that she kept trying to talk to him and he was tired of it,” investigators noted. Yeomans, pictured at right, told cops that he was drunk at the time, and rated his level of intoxication “an 11 out of 10.” In response to being annoyed, Yeomans “told the dancer that she should go to the gym and lose weight.” The stripper, Yeomans said, was a white female with long black hair. He estimated that she weighed between 115-120 pounds, and was no more than 25 years old. Yeomans also reported that his attacker had “a muffin top.” After receiving Yeomans’s unsolicited fitness advice, the stripper allegedly “reached off the stage and struck him 4 times in the face,” police noted. Yeomans said he was then dragged out of Derriere’s by bouncers who were “unnecessarily rough with him.”

Guys, tell me you haven’t wanted to stand up to a stripper at one point in your life, you with your boys trying to get some tatas in your face when a stripper rolls up and awkwardly tries to be part of your boys club and your party. She sits there and rolls her eyes at you when you ignore her, eventually she’ll grab your arm, ask you to buy her a drink, which i say, “you can have the rest of my miller latte but i’m not dropped $11 on a fucking martini senorita”. She tries to talk with you and we all know the end game here, she wants you to drop $40 a song to have her dry hump you while some shitty nickelback song plays in the backdrop. No thanks tootz i’ll drink these $6 miller lattes and watch the hot girls dance for me. Stripper are paid to be in shape if you got a muffin top you better have some big jugs on ya or otherwise i’m not interested and it’s bathroom break time. Props to this guy, being an 11/10 on the drunk scale is electric and only for bachelor parties and weddings IMO.


Does the girl on Jeopardy have the most annoying voice ever? Yes.



First off, just wanna say that i completed 1 mile today running outside, it felt like someone was dumping ice cubes down my throat, my lungs are killing me, going to be one of the best stories when i drop 20 lbs on everyone and start doing 1 handed pushups with ease.

Anyway on to this story, this chicks is an absolute psycho. Who the fuck even talks even close to that or drags out the final syllable in every sentence. Is that a fake British accent, imagine being on a blind date with this girl and you eye her up at Texas Roadhouse. Face 6.8, Body 7.1 Glasses add a nice little touch- then she opens her trap and says can I get a half rack of riiiiiiibsssssss in a british accent. I’m personally dropping my napkin, leaving a $20 bill and leaving on the spot, i wouldn’t trust myself to not tweak with the knife and fork in my hands while she talked.

#would though- glasses, accent and a pshycho way of talking means she’ll get after it in the sheets. 100% would wrestle naked with her.

Veggies & a small chicken breast for me tonight boys and girls 😦


Why I’m Doing “Operation Hard Body”

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Welp boys and girls.. Diet starts Monday! Operation Hardbody for your boy KASh will be in full effect. No more pizzas, burgers, fries, Cool Ranch  Doritos, Pepsi’s or Chinese Buffets. This is literally going to be hell on earth, my stomach is going to be crying for the first two weeks, just begging and churning for me to dump some salt and sugar down my gullet.

Here’s a few reasons why i’m giving up the savage, eat whatever the fuck I please life.

1.) Biddies- I’ve slowly seen the quality of biddie that I legit have a chance to date/slay/wife go down about 1/2-1 full point on a scale of 1-10 since I started packing on the blubber. “Slaying dragons” as Bobby Loves Biscuits my roomate says and my golly i’m ashamed of some of the biddies his dick as been in and around. Either way i’m 207lbs of ravashing good looks but too much fat to feel good about myself and once i get down to a lean 190 the biddies will be back on both arms thinking i’m Tim Tebow again.

2.) Snapchat- Just imagine, youre taking a nice little selfie for a girl (way the fuck out of my  league) and you have to tilt your fucking heat up or take the picture at an obscure angel so you don’t look like a fucking turkey with a gobbling chin, bout that get that sucker right tight and the jawline on 100. May even snap a pic of the old 6 pack when they come back, such a toolbox move.

3.) The shower and mirror- Roll out of the rack, peel off the Kenneth Cole boxer briefs and look like your 3 months pregnant, the V that is near your lower waist is now all fat you hop in the shower and have to look down at your fat ass belly, just no way to live your life and soon it’ll be goooooone.

4.) Clothes- The other day i had to do fucking jumping jacks in order to get my Jeans on, 32 waist is a thing of the past, should be rocking the old 34’s, nah fuck that i’m going to get back in high school shape, squats at the gym and show everyone why I was voted cutest ass in my high school class.

5.) Fast food is an addiction and is getting old- Literraly my pallett cant tell a $1.39 mcdouble from a meal at nakashimas, it’s a problem and i’m done with it. I think i’ve eaten out 5x a week for the last 3 years straight and it’s gross, roll up to taco bell and order one of everything god it’s so gross. Plus i wanna be chef KASH and start cooking at home, just for when I find my next wifey.


Wish me luck, support me please, yell at me if you see me tempted to eat that garbage, also don’t let me do any pizza reviews via snap.

I’ll be looking sexy in about 3 months catch y’all later.


15 Biddies With Balls



Yes you read that title right, but volleyballs that is, well for the most part. My guess is 13/15 of these smoke shows are just freak nasties in the sheets, or kitchen counter or couch whatever will please these gorgeous works of art.

Holy cripes almighty, while attempting to work on a project that will determine me passing or failing my written communications class I got a little bored so decided to do some web surfing and wound up reading this article that titled “15 Most Beautiful Collegiate Athletes” as you can guess ten times more important than school work.

As I was clicking through I got to #6 a dime named Jordan Teel the girl above and I felt a little flutter in my heart cause I met this chick while I was down in Waco, Tx for a Charlie Worsham concert with a couple buddies that go to Baylor. After the concert we went to this frat party where beer bongs were by the dozens and axe body spray reigned supreme even over the smell of Mexican grown pot that a guy named Sanch brought. As the night proceeded my buddies girlfriend introduced us to Jordan and her boyfriend…flustered city that he was there…but she is a very down to earth girl about a foot and a half taller than me, has a great singing voice, and quite the tangerine donk on her.

As cool for me as it is that she is on this list she is not number one on this list which makes me believe that there is a robotic machine that pumps out these chicks and puts a chip in them that has all their characteristics and traits and tells them to stay the fuck away from regular guys like us, cause you just don’t see girls like this on a day to day basis at the local kwik trip. Yes its sad but i guess it is still nice to know these girls exist and we can always think in our heads that we might just might have a chance to “take a stab” at one of these queens some day…like once in a blue moon when she got too drunk after clinching the division in her senior year and for some reason there is no other guy around to have to fight off.


Enjoy these 15 pages of extacy. I go my list from 1-15 but ill keep that a secret let us know that yours are.

Catch you on the rebound.


Badgies, Bros, Beers, and CRAB CAKES

old ebbitt

Ahh “give me a badgie win or give me death” i believe thats what our forefathers said right?

Last weekend a few bros by the names of  Skeet Skeet, Rick Durango, Jazzy J, KASH, and I went to our nations capital stayed in a hotel that had more class than all of us had put together in our left nut, just to validate this, after a raunchy Friday night in Adams Morgan, a rocking diversified jumbo slice pizza filled party neighborhood with bars lining the street we woke up saturday morning grabbed some greasy dunkin d breakfast a few dozen miller lattes and then walked through the lobby of a national science convention with lattes cracked and ready to start the day. Needless to say we stuck out with cardinal red motion W’s and pilsners in our hands. After a little pre-gaming we hoped an uber to a little college bar called Looneys (Bad idea) why you might ask, cappys and cokes were a dangerous price of $5.  At that price and the mind set of bros only one thing can happen…shoveling liquor down our gullet like it was going out of style. Game time comes around ad we head in and thanks to skeet skeet hooking us up with some dope ass seats about 8 rows up from the rail on the fourty yard line badgers side line, so you know we were just chirping at the players. Rico Stave got yelled way too much gaining no attention from him, and constantly yelling at dieter the man eater from seymour, wisconsin just loving our lives. sad to say the clearest part of the game i remember is running back a kickoff return at the beggining of the game, oh and this fucking guido that bet on the game and was a blithering idiot that got me so flustered i wanted to give him a stone cold stunner and knock his ass over the rail but a couple 8 dollar beers  and i was over that peasant. After the over  we strolled over to the family waiting area hoping to get some pics with some badgies. Grabbed a snap with Gaglioni, vince beigel and then at last Joel Stave sunshine himself came strolling out with as much confidence as biscuits does after slaying the dragon so rick durango yells at him for a pic so we all go over there and jazzy j was of course in la la land so as he comes over stave says wow jazzys a big fella…scale of 1-10 stave is a 8 on down to earth…solid dude and that golden lettuce is always on point. after the game we headed over to george town where we met up with p rags a crazy bastard that had a twinkle of rage in his eye as soon as we met up with him. so we idled on back down to adams morgan and got blitzed as you could expect. Sunday came the day that ive been looking forward to for months, LUMP EAST COAST CRAB CAKES and CLAM CHOOOOOWWDDAAA…so sunday night we took a stroll down Pennsylvania ave and caught a glimpse of barrak taking Michelle to the work bench and idled on down to the Legendary The Old Ebbitt didnt give that menu the time of day and told the biddie with the pen and pad cup of clam chowda and the jumbo crab cakes toots. as i saw the plate come to the table i was so over joyed. on to the grading scale of this masterpiece


Presentation: 8

Portion of food:9

Texture of cake:10

Ammount of meat:8

Over all taste: Fucking orgasm in your mouth

Well that about sums up our bro trip of the year

Catch you on the rebound


7’6 15 year old basketball player that looks like a giraffe has me baffled

Are you kidding me, genetically how is it possible for a kid 15 years old be 7’6. Kid looks like he’s walking on stilts and at any given moment his legs or arms could snap in half, legit terrified watching him play. He actually has pretty decent feet and quickness for a dude his size. My question is how much does this kiddo weight can’t be more than 160lbs, gotta start shovelling some donuts and cake down his gullet asap to turn him into the next Yao Ming. I’m setting the odds he makes the NBA at 10/1.


Alright I’ve Had Enough! My take on College, What’s wrong with students and how to do College

fad kegstanding

Alright, I’ve fucking had enough of this University of Missouri, Ithaca, Yale whatever the fuck college’s student body that is entitled as fuck rioting and trying to get the President or Dean of the college fired.

First off, unless you’re going to be an Engineer, Doctor or Pharmacist college is a complete joke where you go somewhere where there are a ton of kids your age where you should occassionally go to class to save face, drink and fuck with people of the opposite sex for 4 years while you decide you want to start your own business or go in a totally different direction. All these Sociology majors, Psychology majors and art majors who are getting useless fucking degrees then setting up gofundme pages for themselves so others can pay for them to go get a master to play a fucking trumpet absolutely grind my fucking gears.

The kids in Missouri can piss off, go to class you baby, I get it there is favoritism and racisim that’s the real world, sack up and deal with it. 

How KASH saves the world

Set up funding for those who go to college just to go and have no idea what they want in life (those like myself) send their ass to the tech to learn a skill they can actually learn, fuck I’m still thinking about becoming an electrician or a plumber $25-$30 an hour to tie some wires or fix some toilets sounds ok to me. Fuck our society is going to shit and i’m here to stop it, honestly would be shocked if i’m not in congress or the dean of UWGB one day.

Quit your protesting, quit your bitching about student loans, go party, fuck, act like a dumbass and enjoy college

absolutley rattled and shaking after typing this.