So it’s been about a year since I graduated from college and moved on to the real world. i just wanted to share a couple quick thought and points of life after college for you recent grads of what you have to look forward to.
1.) You’re going to get fat
I ate like dog shit during school but at least i’d waddle to the Kress Center and play bball or intramural soccer to get the metabolism flowing. Now I plop my fat ass down for 10 hours a day, chatting on the phones, scouring Linkedin and Facebook for entertainment. For lunch I go to China Buffett or some greasy bar food with co-worker who I can hardly stand being around. Stuffing my face, unbuckling my pants a few notches, spending 30 minutes on the toilet once I get back to work and leaving fake voicemails to act busy. My piss tank is gonna get huge if I keep up the pace of eating like a pile of shit.
2.) The crop of biddies dries up
I’m blessed to work at a place where there are some good looking biddies, but i’m telling you if it’s anything like Swaggy C’s job where if a soft 5 walks in you think about humping her leg like she’s the last girl on earth this is a sad moment in your professional life. no more walking around the halls saying hey whats up hello to every girl who walks around in yoga pants, scooping her digits and asking her to come over to your dorm and watching Netflix and maybe get a little sucky sucky. You flat out rarely meet new women it’s a fucking drag, my god I may just go back to school at Arizona State lay around in the lazy river at their dorms and talk to every smoke that I encounter.
3.) You’ll want to quit your job at least once a week
Shit just wears on you man, wearing a shirt and tie getting swamp ass during the summer, putting up with corporate bullshit rules, I roll into work hungover as balls and all the sudden it’s like I committed murder. You constantly find yourself wondering should’ve i went into sports broadcasting worked every night and weekend and made enough money to put enough food down my fat ass throat or choose to make good money work long hours and hate your life more than life itself. I legit have thought about quitting my job once every week since I started 6 months ago. Here’s some advice, start your own fucking business, if you fail you fail because of yourself but you went out swininging. Fuck I have to be to work in 10 hours.
4.) You can’t get hammered on weeknights
I was a hardo thinking I could go get pie eyed off lattes on a weeknight, till you wake up in the AM at the time your supposed to be in work, put a pair of Calvin Kleins on backward, wear a pink shirt and a red tie. Shhow up to work 30 mins late to work and everyone stares at you like you have a cock on your forehead, wreaking of whiskey and blackberry brandy. Cripes it’s just not possible to go out on a weeknight knocking back lattes after softball and keep your job. FUCKKKK In college i could get drunk 5 out of 5 weeks and get away scotch free.
Sweet you make $600 a week, well the bill collectors are coming for ya, apartment, food, clothes, insurance, gas. FUCK IT. Give me $7 in my pocket some pizza fries and a spotted cow and i’ll make it and life is good. No time to save money with student loans. Suck my 6 inch salami Sallie Mae
6.) Cube Life= Loss of personality
The cube life sucks the living shit outta you, get into the cube you’re sorrounded by insuffereable people looking in on your work and shit. Fuck off, you can’t text, you can’t search espn.com it’s a fucking zoo and you’re a cage animal. I’d rather pull tits on the farm then spend the rest of my career in a cube. Some dude next to me ripped ass and it smelt for a solid 20 minutes, sick bastard prolly emptied his undies in the sink because of the streak marks.
Bottom line, enjoy the fuck out of college, pick a job you enjoy, start your own business.
Enjoy ya filthy animals