Month: March 2014

7 Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Graduate Yet

Hey guys had some people say they enjoyed the “Slappin The Bull” blog, so that made me feel pretty proud of myself, that people are getting their jollies off of me and Swaggy C getting belligerent, and being hung the next day. But i’ve been having some mixed emotions this last semester and how fast it’s been going, now I have to tell you guys why I don’t want to graduate yet. These are in no particular order so here we go….

1.) Cute Girls Everywhere- Seriously you guys there are some beautiful girls that walk this campus everyday and i’m going to miss it. Just imagine working at some bullshit corporation where you’re grinding a cubical all day and some girl walks by whose a straight 5 and you’re just drooling over her. This is my worst nightmare honestly, find yourself a nice one fellas. 

2.) Being Able to Get Hammed Any Night- I don’t go out until Thursday nights at The Bull but honestly when else in your life are you going to be able to go beast in an intramural soccer game, and start drinking shower beers, then head down to a classy establishment like Cock’N Bull and drink double bubble W-Cokes and Miller Latte’s all night. This is the definition of college and the realization of this coming to an end is scaring the shit out of me. I seriously am the most useless person till about 9PM the next day after a rager at The Bull. Can’t wait for Friday happy hour with my 40 year old co-workers in the real world. This is getting depressing guys.

3.) Going to bed whenever I want- I seriously know friends who would stay up till 3am every night in college and now I can’t send them a text after 8PM or they get all crabby at me. I know i’ll try and push the limits when I get my first full time job out of school but also not trying to get yelled at by the bossman. 8PM is a bed time for a fucking 2 year old not a young adult and I won’t stand for it, P.S. check in on this comment in a few months, i’ll be watching Channel 11 news, having a warm glass of milk and sleeping by 8pm

4.) My Friends- 

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I came to GB about 2 years ago and I swear I had zero friends after transferring from UWO, I was McLovin’ it was horrible. But the last year and half i’ve met some of the best people of my life. My main core of friends are a bunch of dandies I swear. I see them everyday, they laugh at my dumbass jokes and words and I love every last one of them for it. Gonna miss them so much, getting misty eyed even typing this. 

5.) Being able to crush any type of food you want- If you guys know me you know I eat unhealthy as shit. Pizza Fries, Qdoba, Chinese you name it i’ll eat it. When you get out of school you have to brown bag lunch and that sounds traumatizing to me. Noon rolls around and you’re eating a fucking PB&J and an apple… No Thank you, I’d almost rather eat the withered Grill over that. Not to mention you get zero exercise when you sit your ass in a cube all day, you can’t help but turn into a pudy lard ass.

6.) The Kress- Pretty flustered with myself that I didn’t really go to The Kress until this semester, because I live for it now. Seriously get a bunch of bro’s together and play hoops for a few hours and feel like a million bucks afterwards. Not to mention the endless amount of cute girls walking around the place. Confession, I did a double take on the glass window the other night when girls were doing yoga, usually such a terrible move but I couldn’t resist. Also I played “popcorn dodgeball” in the turf gym, most fun i’ve had since grade school when I smoked my teacher in the head with a giant dodgeball and he went down like a ton of bricks.

7.) Snapchat- My snapchat score is getting too high to the point I may have to delete my account and start back at zero, it’s pathetic how much I live for it. I honestly spend half the time in my lectures snapchatting or photobombing the girl in front of me in classes selfies . It’s become a lifestyle and I live for snapping people who are in my classes. I’ll be the guy at his job taking snaps of under the table worrying about getting caught. Just no way to live your life 

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One word to describe this dude: Greasy

 

That’s all I can think of right now guys, time to go watch Matthew Mcconaughey movies, dude is my favorite actor. Please God let me have that dude’s accent for one day.

Also, big 3on3 tourney at UWGB Friday, me and Swaggy C may even skip The Bull on Thursday night because we’re so serious about it.

 

K.A.S.H.

Slapping the Bull (My Night & Morning After)

So last night got a little bit out of hand, and i’m paying for it today feeling like a bag of shit. Literally just sitting here in my Calvin Klein’s just dying waiting to crush a fish fry with Swaggy C (who by the way is 10x more withered than me, but obviously his lettuce is still looking fresh). I just thought i’d give a breakdown of how last night went. 

7:00-8:00 Got done dominating with Swaggy C and the soccer girls in intramural soccer game, despite me trying to give away the game at goalie. Hurry my ass up back to the dorms and watch my Badgers just truck Baylor and move on to the elite 8. When Swaggy C mixed up some vodka lemonade’s and I grabbed a couple Miller Lite silo’s (16 oz. beers) and we started getting after the sauce. Obviously started getting beligerant and blowing people up with snap videos of me drinking shower beers and whatever else kind of shit I could think of.  

Check out this vid. of the Badgers celebrating. I’ve been told I was dancing like the tall white dude in this video at The Bull last night. Also at the end A-Rod giving Bo Ryan a little ass-tap at the end of the video. Classic. I’ll definetley be giving one of these to whoever hands me a diploma in May. Somewhere Swaggy C is throwing darts at a pic of Bo Lion’s face.

8:00-9:00- Continuing to slam Miller Latte’s while listening to some Turn Up songs, we’re also working the phones trying to find a place to pregame at before we go to The Bull. I tell Swaggy C to go country with his clothes and even offered to let him wear my cowboy boots. He declined, I got flustered and we proceeded to get our lettuce tight (hair). His obviously was boss, mine was trying to look like Tim Tebow. Slap on some cologne, grab beer and go to pregame.

9:00-10:00- Arrive at pregame party get a tour of the house and this kid has the cleanest fucking room i’ve ever seen in my life. Literally a flat screen, a bed, and 8 t-shirts. I asked him to let me spend 10 minutes in it to messy the fucker up, and he declined. Slamming Miller Latte’s and playing Fifa 14. Swaggy C beats me in a fluke game and cocks off to me and I down the rest of my beer ask for rematch and he bitched out. Basically just bro’ing it up real hard, shotgunning beers, digging up the nastiest liquor possible and dumping it down our throat. We choke down about 2 shots of Fireball and head to the bull.

I’m trying this by the way, may have to stop at Dad’s and pick up some of these Fireball mini’s. Look at the kid, he’s hammed after the fourth shot of FIreball and after each one his face looks like someone ran over his dog. Dude’s a champ though idk if I could bury all 6 in a row.

10pm-11pm Walk into The Bull Swaggy C and I ordered a few W-Cokes and told the bartender “you’re gonna bring up 2 W-Cokes and precisley 7 1/2 minutes after that you’re gonna bring us two more, and then.. two more after that every 5 minutes until one of us passes the fuck out.” She did this and we start chatting up ladies, gents everyone with a fucking ear that goes to UWGB. On a scale of 1-10 i’m an 8 on the drunk meter, Swaggy is prolly a 9, shit is just gonna get out of hand, we know and it’s fine with us. 

11pm-midnight- I lost Swaggy C, kids just fucking blitzed, he doesn’t even know my name, and i’ve lost count of the W-Cokes i’ve dumped down my throat. Couple of cute girls who read the blog come up to me and identify me by my name I take pictures and autograph their cups. I was living for it, just chatting everyone up. Swaggy C’s adventure included an 11:14pm makeout sesh in front of the entire bar with a reader of the blog. I was alerted by someone and I immediatley reached for my Iphone to take a selfie of myself with them frenching in the background. This is what I was going for…..

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This is my new hobby. It’s all good Swaggy C, happens to the best of us,, I’ve done that shit 5-10 times in my day

Midnight-1am

This is where shit starts getting extremley fuzzy. I was trying to find someone and I just ate shit slipped, fell and spilt my drink all over, accussed a girl of tripping me and she bought me act, and bought me 2 more W-Cokes. Such a veteran move. I honestly can’t even remember conversations I’m having with people at this point and I came to a realization that I’ve come to the point where I’m starting to ask for girls Snapchat username before I ask for their number, very ashamed to say this and it’s not a slick move at all. Swaggy C is at the other end of the bar chatting with some bitties from BIoLife Plasma and telling them how he gets drunk before donating, Well played bro, well played, they buy him a Boilermaker and the kid is just blacked out chatting with the basketball players, kid is a legend with them adding each other on Instagram, such a power move. I walk over, one of them gives me some Obama Dapp and I lived for, literally  haven’t even thought about washing my hands since. Pretty convinced Swaggy C is more popular than me now and Wardle will let him walk on next year. 

 

1am-2am- I’ve literally drank so many different concoctions of drinks my gut feels like lava in volcano, sickening feeling. Girls were outdrinking me and I was getting flustered as hell, I needed a fucking nipple for my drinks and it was an embarassment. Pretty confident I devoted this time in the night to taking pic’s that will appear on Facebook with me with one eye open. ** Don’t do this, because while you’re sleeping the day away you’ll wake up with 5 pics of you looking like shit in pics and 25 comments before you can report the pic for containing nudity. I’m cashed out and looking to go beast on some TBell, I ordered up some soft shells (no lettuce) had literally 1 cinamon twist and handed it to one of my girl friends and she crushed them. A-Bar at my buddies, milked 1 soda, pretty confident I told a bunch of stories and passed out naked on the futon. 

Swaggy C on the other hand fell down the stairs and now has a cherry on his ass, and one of our readers reportedly dumped water on him. Kid is still wrecked.

Today has consisted of:

Crushing Taco Bell (sober, don’t do this kids)

Skipping music class

Struggling through a 2 hour group meeting

Now about to ape shit on this Friday Fish Fry right now

Just going to be useless and withered and watch hoops all night.

 

If i’m forgetting anything just tweet it at us because I have a feeling we’re missing out on some things.

Word of advice— Don’t be afraid to “slap the bull” with us next Thursday” but tread lightly my God.

 

K.A.S.H.

Ass Spank Prank

Hey guys it’s K.A.S.H. here, was just grinding YouTube and found this gem of a video. Watch before you read my take on it!

P.S. I swear i’m not that immature, but this made me laugh.

1.) The way this chick turns and says “dude you seriously just grabbed my ass” just sells the shit out of the prank, the guys who she calls out just shit themselves because they think the police are coming to arrest them for sexual assault. Phenominal acting. She’s the next fucking Jenny Lawrence if you ask me.

2.) Honestly these two deserve a fucking Oscar for their acting, the way the bro quickly walks and give her a love tap as he walks by, then stares at the ground and quickly walks away. Props to you bro i’d be geeking out.

3.) If this happened to me…..- If some chick turned around in the hallway calling me out for grabbing her hiney, and I was just innocently swiping left and right on Tinder I don’t know how i’d react. I’d probably just buy her a fucking cappucino from Starbucks and she’d be on her way.

4.) Like Literally there is nothing else you could accuse a dude of in public that would make him just turn into a “Stuttering Stanley” and make him quiver in his boots.

5.) This chick is a solid 9……

 

**** I need to do this on campus, need a girl to let me give her a love tap on the booty as I walk by, as you call out the poor bastard dude who happened to be walking behind you.

***** I do think this would be funny as fuck if we reversed roles. *Now Hiring: A girl who will walk by and squeeze my buns of steel and a former Calvin Klein underwear model’s tush. — Pretty easy gig if you ask me, will pay in any alcohol of your choice at The Bull during Double Bubble.

Why the hell did I even blog about this, makes no sense

 

May post the blog on the  “No Makeup Challenge” that’s going around on Facebook. Seriously just snapchat me a selfie, i’ll screenshot it then you can feel pretty.

 

K.A.S.H.

Hot Dogs or Legs???

This is going to be a quick little blog, but K.A.S.H. woke up without a hangover so I’m feeling freaking great and decided to blog a bit before I watch the NCAA Tournament all day while crushing Cool Ranch Doritos and Miller Lattes. This blog is going to be about my favorite thing to snapchat people probably once a month.

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I’m blogging about a game I was introduced to this summer, called Hot Dogs or Legs,

Situation: You’re wearing shorts on the couch or beach and you put your legs together to look like a couple of hot dogs, then you send it to everyone on your snapchat and watch them all freak out. 

Reactions: I’ve gotten reactions stemming from people like “oh fuck off dude, those are your legs or some pale, tired ass hot dogs” then there are people who actually believe those hairy ass thighs are hot dogs and that’s where shit gets funny.

Types of legs: Pretty funny when bro’s send it with their hairy ass tree trunks and will lie till the end of time that those are indeed hot dogs they sent, but then you got the girls who can pull it off. Fresh off a shave with some Skintimate lotion in the shower and a nice spray tan you could have my dumbass believing you felt the need to throw up a pair of hot dogs in front of your phone and take a selfie.

 

Just finished this blog and realized it’s fucking pointless, eh fuck it, you hang out with me you’ll see and hear a lot more dumb random shit.

 

Let’s go Wisconsin tonight, fuck the Ducks.

 

K.A.S.H.

4 People Who Can Go Play in Traffic

Hey guys were halfway through Spring Break and i’m still flustered as all hell i’m not in PCB passed out on the beach right now, but I got a few minutes of free time and decided to blog. Here are 5 people who i’d like to go play in traffic and possibly get run over by a Diesel Truck.

1.) Farrah Abraham- Former Teen Mom Star

“Blowin” is Farrahs  new single, I swear to God I listened to 30 seconds and it was the worst fucking song i’ve ever heard in my life, even worse than “Friday”. She’s a skank who is a terrible mother and I hate her for that. In this song she’s supposed to be singing about her relationship with her daughter, yet the whole video consists of her showing off her fake melons while grinding in the club. I’m flustered, no Farrah I won’t follow your dumbass on Twitter. So bent right now.

2.) Tom Crean Errrrrrrr Dwight Schrute 

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I’m a huge Badgers fan so i’ve hated Crean since he was trying to steal Wisconsin’s recruits at Marquette. I hate Indiana fans ever since they beat us this year at their house and stormed the court, like really you’re supposed to be a top 5 prestigious basketball program GTFO. When Indiana didn’t make the NCAA Tournament this year and reasoned why they didn’t play in the CBI (a tournament for shitty teams) “We’re Indiana, we don’t play in the CBI”. Fuck of Hoosiers

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Crean is such a daisy pusher, you won’t see Bo Ryan frenching Sam Dekker on the sidelines.

3.) Everyone in PCB

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I know I know it’s my fault for not getting a group of people together to go to PCB or offering to drive the Diesel to Florida but i’m unbelievably pissed right now. I should be on a beach drinking out of a fucking sand pale right now, bonging beers, and hitting on girls from Tennessee, like if I could picture heaven, this would be it. I’m an A-Hole for not going, but idc if i’ll be graduated next year, if I get 1 weeks vacation i’m going to PCB. So many dimes just walking around on the beach ready to be chirped at by a lobster chested K.A.S.H. Where else can you wake up at 11am, and start bonging beers on the beach, and if you happen to boot just throw some sand over it. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!

4.) One of my Professors 

So I had the picture of this professor posted but decided I’d like to graduate. I’ll describe his ass after I tell the story why i’m flustered. So I hand in something late because I forgot it at home because I was worried about more important school shit, and dude drops a “to be fair to the class I can’t accept it.” You have no idea how bad I wanted to reply to him, dear professor “you’re a cock gobbler” I’m still so flusted that I did the assgnment and dude shuns me. I should put his dumbass on blast. Fugg off AG. peasant.

A couple miscellaneous thoughts I realized over Spring Break

1.) The show “True Detective” ravages! Mchonaguey is such a boss, I wanna talk like him

2.) Tinder Ravages- app is great, so many chicks- prolly meet my future wife on there

3.) UWGB men’s bball team didn’t make the tourney because Keifer wasn’t healthy and the selection committee knew that.

4.) I have a 3-4 day bender lined up for this weekend.

5.) i’m going to be withered at all  my Monday classed

K.A.S.H.

9 Rules of Snapchat

Hey guys it’s midterm week and my brain is fuggin fried, so i’m chillin in the library and decided to blog instead of study. Me in the library pretty much includes me tweeting and snapchatting, because those are good things to put on your resume for when you graduate. Anyways quick rant i’m flustered at a professor dropping a 10 page paper on my ass before spring break, but anyways I killed it with my bullshitting so it’s all gucci.

Snapchat is the greatest fucking invention ever, and I get all fired up when I leave my phone and don’t return to any snaps, might as well go jump off a bridge if you don’t receive any snaps in a day. It got me to thinking what are the 10 no-no’s of snapchat.

1.) Max of 2 “My Story’s” a Day- First off people already abuse MyStory and put up retarded shit from the start, but it gets worse when some daisy pusher puts up fucking 10 My Story’s in 1 day, I shit you not I had a friend with a 100 second MyStory. Now you’re just abusing the purpose of snapchat and don’t whine and bitch when I delete your ass, because I’m not about to sit through you petting your fucking cat or your 10 different workouts  you did at the gym. GTFO of here you attention craving peasant. P.S. I posted this MyStory a few weeks back. Gonna go ahead and give myself an A+ for this story

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This dude just beats chicks off with a stick.

2.) No Picks of Dicks or Shits- I have a few select friends who act like they’re 12 years old and find it funny to send me pics of them after they’ve dropped a log in their toilet. I truly do not appreciate waking up from a bender at “The Bull” wiping the sand out of my eyes and seeing your put a snake in the toilet. Grow the fuck up. I’ll allow you to do this to me once before I confront you and cut you out of my life. If you send a pick of your dick you should just go play in traffic.No fake corn dogs either

3.) Mass Selfie Snap Rule- Or otherwise know as “Snapdultery”- I don’t care what anyone says, snapchat is an incredible icebreaker when you first get a girls number. Such a great way to be able to flirt without throwing fucking tired ass winkey faces in your texts. Story time: I had this girl who I met, we hit it off pretty well and she’s sending me probably 5 selfies a day. Me being the dumbass I am thought they were only going to me and started to think sparks were flying. Turns out she was sending the same pics to like 10 dudes, I felt like I was cheated on, deleted her ass and called it a day. Don’t commit “Snapdultery” ladies.

4.) No Pets/ Significant Other Snaps- I think dogs are fucking cute as a button and it’s cool if you send me a few snaps of him licking his balls or humping a pillow, but if you send me a pic of you holding him 3x a day saying “isn’t he cute?” I will respond looks like a fucking rat even if deep inside i’m melting with how cute he is. Also had a girl who I thought was single send me a pic of her and her “boyfriend” cuddling. Like GTFO out of here, one don’t try and play me like a fidle and too cuddle, take a pic and put it as your fucking wallpaper on your phone.

5.) No 1 second snaps- This flusters the piss out of me, someone send a 1 second snap and my dumbass is crushing a Chipotle burrito with one hand and opening your snap with the other. WTF do you think i’m paying more attentiion too, don’t cocktease me with that 1 second snap shit. This is worse than the girl you give a ride home and she says she’d totally makeout with you if she wasn’t sick (experience from a buddy of mine) Give me 3 seconds grace period you guys.

6.) No Screenshots of me when I send funny pics of myself and putting it on Instagram-

A few nights ago I had a few too many Spotted Cows and was sending funny pics to a few of my close “friends” you know the pics where you look like you have fucking 3 chins and you just saw a fucking ghost. Those type of pics. One of my buddies decided it would be funny if they screenshotted these pictures, and collaged them and put them on Instagram. This is such a communist move, i’m surprised i still talk to this kid, only screenshot if it’s something epic. I’m still flustered.

7.) No snaps of your delicious ass food- If you know me you know I love to crush greasy food on occassion. So don’t send me a heaping plate of chinese food, in and out burger, five guys, bbq ribs or whatever you’re eating for dinner, while i’m eating a tired ass orv’s pizza at home. There’s just no reason to tease lard asses like me, so take note friends.

8.) Don’t send me a pic of your $180 paycheck all in $20’s This is such a hardo move when ppl try to be fucking Donald Trump sending me a pic of all their small bill to make it look like a wad of cash. Dude unless you’re smacking a brick of 100$ bennie franklins off an attractive girl’s ass I don’t care to see that today was payday.

9.) Don’t be the guy/girl who just views people’s snapchats and never responds- I used to associate with a few people like this, these people deserve a kick in the nuts, what are you too cool to send me a snapchat back? Are you too busy to send me a greasy pic of your face, these people who sign up for snapchat just to see what funny stuff people send them need to take a watermelon in the face like this gal.

Tell me how her nose isn’t just seriously a pile of mush after that.

Till next time friends

K.A.S.H.